Products That Should NOT Have Been Invented

Without people who invent things, we’d all still be living like primitive cavepeople, lacking transportation, electricity, smartphones, and those little corn-shaped plastic handles you stick in the ends of corn on the cob.

But not every invention is a useful one—in fact, the world is brimming with products that make us question what their developers were smoking when the concept hit them. We’re actually surprised that some of these products haven’t been shut down due to product liability issues.

Here are six such inventions, plus one good one.

Snuggie

It’s a blanket with sleeves, which you wear backwards, the idea being that when you’re cold, a regular blanket is difficult to manage while you watch TV or, say, prepare a seven-course dinner. The commercials portray people unsuccessfully attempting to live their lives while either freezing or hopelessly entangled in traditional blankets, apparently never thinking to use a sweater or pullover.

Why must we pay somewhere between $7 and $15 (plus shipping and tax) for a hideous, fleece, sleeved, backward robe, when there are options specifically made for worry-free warmth? The Snuggie doesn’t even fasten. Won’t our backsides get chilly?

Crocs

We know people love their Crocs but, face it, they are the ugliest, dorkiest, and most appalling footwear ever invented. We’re going to come out and tell you the full truth: unless you’re under 5, you look like an idiot wearing them.

Crocs are also well known toe-manglers when worn on escalators. And then there’s the fact that every pair of Crocs ever made will be in our landfills until the sun finally swallows the earth whole, some 4 squillion years from now.

Flowbee

Are you too cheap to pay Supercuts to keep your locks in check, but don’t want the hassle of growing dreds? The Flowbee is your answer!

This “precision haircutting system” consists of an electric trimmer that you connect to your vacuum cleaner, thereby eliminating the need for a broom and dustpan, and apparently provides “fantastic haircuts…every time!”

We beg to differ—unless you’re going for an 80’s feathered mullet look. The Flowbee people assure us that their product will revolutionize the hair care industry. Which must be why all the top salons are vacuum-cutting everyone’s hair nowadays…right?

Facial Flex

Aging is inevitable unless you’re dead, and if you can’t afford a facelift, you’re probably stuck with a certain amount of wrinkles and sagging.

Or not! Because someone has invented the Facial Flex, a spring-loaded contraption that goes in your mouth like some kind of supremely disturbing bondage toy, and works the muscles of your face to firm and tighten those unsightly jowls. It also comes with a “discrete carrying case” because if you’re stupid enough to really believe this $60 plastic contraption is going to make you look younger, you definitely won’t want other people to see you with it.

Kush Support

Everyone knows that cleavage wrinkles are the bane of every woman’s existence. That’s why some interesting person created the Kush Support—a flesh-toned doohickey to keep your breasts from squishing together while you sleep. We can think of few things more useful than a $20-plus-shipping, squishy plastic boob separator.

Thank goodness there are inventors in the world thinking of women and their lifelong battle with sleep-induced cleavage wrinkles. Like they say, it’s “a dream come true”!

Poop-Freeze

Finally, for those of us who struggle to pick up soft, warm dog poop without violently gagging while walking Fido around the neighborhood, there is an aerosol product that will instantly freeze it into a chilly solid—a poopsicle, if you will—that will save you that fresh-from-the-dog sensation when curbing your pooch.

Our disdain for Poop-Freeze aside (picking up warm poop builds the kind of character America needs more of!), we do find the company’s other product, Dog Fart Terminator, which provides “instant relief from the stink” with “fart fighting particles” to be a genius invention, sure to become any dog owner’s most necessary product. If only someone could invent a special holster to carry it in, we’d really have something worthwhile. Hey, there’s an idea…