While Santa is universally loved, he’s gotten sloppy over the past few years. It’s time to look at the big picture and tally up the damage he does each Christmas Eve as he goes about his business, largely unchecked.
Here are eight laws Mr. Kringle brazenly flaunts each year—it’s time to call him out!
1) Breaking and entering
St. Nick’s going down the chimney for a reason—all the doors and windows in your house are locked. Milk and cookies could look like entrapment, but who’s to say they weren’t left there for dear ol’ dad, who’s up until two in the morning putting that %$#@ bike together?
2) Disturbing the peace
The thud of Santa landing on your roof, the din of eight tiny reindeer all snorting and stamping their hooves, and the cacophony all those jingling bells makes you long for the days when your teenage neighbor’s death metal band practiced in the garage.
3) Drinking and driving
The adults know how he really got that red nose, and it’s not just from the cold. There have been longstanding rumors in the elf community the Big Man knocks back a few cocktails with his chief of staff (Mrs. Claus) before takeoff.
4) Breaking labor laws
Those poor elves. Unrealistic daily quotas on Etch A Sketches, backbreaking hours, no overtime or holiday pay, and watered-down cocoa in the break room. Look for the elves to revolt and unionize in the summer of 2016.
5) Violating FAA regulations
If your drone needs to be registered with the FAA, that giant sleigh darn well ought to be, too. And records show that no flight plan has ever been filed by a “Kris Kringle.”
6) Computer Hacking
How else does Santa know who’s naughty or nice? That’s inside information, especially with most kids staring at the screen 23 hours a day. Don’t underestimate the elf in glasses—he knows his way around a keyboard and your Wi-Fi network.
7) Reckless driving
No one can go 500 mph in a residential area and get away with it. Kringle came dangerously close to being taken down by a neighborhood watch group in ’05.
8) Property damage
Those shingles weren’t falling off your roof before his 1,000-pound sleigh landed with a clunk. And they don’t fix themselves.
Bonus: Reindeer poop all over yours and your neighbor’s property violates every homeowner association bylaw in the land. Go make a citizen’s arrest, or at least leave a really nasty note on Santa’s sleigh.
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