Litigious libations


Alcohol and the law rarely mix. One wrong move and you could end up charged with public intoxication or disorderly conduct — potentially even driving while intoxicated (DWI) or driving under the influence (DUI) — if you don’t give a trusted friend your keys.


Drinking to excess is definitely asking for trouble, but what about the drinks themselves? How many of your favorite libations are just lining up to put you in shackles?


Just a little mix-up…

Alabama Slammer: This blend of amaretto, sloe gin, and Southern Comfort supposedly came to us through the University of Alabama, where it became a tradition to “slam one back” at a tailgate party. Just keep a close eye on your drink while you’re cheering on the Crimson Tide. It might get arrested for assault and battery.


Curacao Punch/Last Punch

Made with rum, brandy, orange liqueur, and various fruit garnishes, this tropical treat sure packs a wallop. You can have a few, but just keep your punches to yourself — no one wants to end a night out charged with assault.


Death in the Afternoon

Supposedly the brainchild of author Ernest Hemingway, this powerful pairing of absinthe and Champagne definitely has malicious intent. Just don’t capitalize on the moniker yourself. The afternoon is far too early for first-degree murder.


Irish Car Bomb

You can mix up this St. Patrick’s Day drink by combining a half-ounce of Bailey’s Irish Cream with a half-ounce of Irish whiskey in a shot glass, and dropping the blend into a half-pint of Guinness. Don’t worry, it doesn’t have anything to do with real arson.


Illicit Affair: Throw together some vodka, orange juice, and cranberry juice, and shake it up with ice. Then wait for the divorce attorneys to show up.


Sex on the Beach

This fruity cocktail involves vodka, schnapps, and fruit juice. It’s best with a cocktail umbrella and a side of indecent exposure


Hot Buttered Rum

Rum, brown sugar, and your favorite cold-weather spices make up this classic winter treat. Add the hot water, but don’t spill it in your lap — you could have a product liability suit on your hands.


Alaskan Oil Slick: Get ready to violate environmental law with equal parts Blue Curacao, Jagermeister, and peppermint Schnapps.


Last Word

This sweet and sour herbal gin blend was a clear violation of prohibition laws back in the 1920s. Now, 100 years later, it might just leave you speechless — but not even this classically hush-hush beverage can take away your First Amendment rights.


Hop, Skip, and Go Naked

Blend frozen lemonade mix, whiskey, and beer for this summertime treat, but don’t take the name too literally. Public nudity can get you arrested in most places — but surprisingly not everywhere in the US.


Income Tax

This dry cocktail is as serious as the tax code. Just keep your gin and sweet vermouth away from your 1040s. You know the old saying — don’t mess with the IRS.  


St. Valentine’s Day Massacre

If famous unsolved crimes are your thing, mix up this cocktail and read up on its bloody namesake. With whiskey, rum, champagne, and a drop of quince jelly tickling your taste buds, you’ll feel like the next Al Capone — minus all the organized crime, hopefully.


Remember, folks — mixed drinks are fun and puns are funny, but the law is best left to the professionals. There’s a reason backyard bartending is a thing, but backyard courts aren’t.